November Whispers and Burnout Shadows

 Hi there, spooky souls🦇

So, I told you I wasn’t going to do a November vlog on my YouTube channel because I’m far too burned out and need to rest. But it seems I have a rather dramatic inability to take my own advice. I will, in fact, be doing a vlog. I suppose when something has become part of your rhythm, stepping away feels stranger than staying.

This November vlog won’t be artistic or fancy. Due to burnout, I’m not really seeing much daylight right now. I tend to wake up each day around sunset, which here in the UK at this time of year is around 4pm. The days are short, the light is fleeting, and my energy is scarce. There’ll be no cinematic natural light or elaborate shots this time. I simply don’t have it in me.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ll be moving house in the coming months. I struggle when things are hanging over me, and so I try to get as much done as possible early on. It helps calm my stress and, in turn, preserves what energy I do have. This month, I’ve tackled the lounge. All the décor has come down from the walls, and everything is now boxed up. It looks bare and echoing, almost like a cell, but it’s one less thing to worry about later.

The truth is, I don’t really use the lounge much during the darker half of the year anyway. My flat doesn’t have central heating, only storage heaters, and as I’ve mentioned before, being disabled and only volunteering means money is not in abundance. I can only afford to heat one room at a time through autumn and winter, and honestly, I don’t mind. I move the television into my bedroom, and Charlie and I hibernate there until about April, watching endless films and snuggling under blankets. It’s not a bad life, really.

Since I wouldn’t be using the lounge anyway, now felt like the perfect time to dismantle it. The furniture is in pieces, the walls touched up with paint, and the space already looks ready for its next occupant. It’s less work when moving day finally comes around.

That’s pretty much what my November vlog will be, because that’s what my November is. I normally pour so much creative energy into my vlogs, but this one will be stripped back, simple, and honest. No frills, just life as it is right now.

I’m doing my best to stay productive through the burnout. Some days I manage more than others. I’m not socialising at the moment because I just don’t have the capacity. Where I’d normally send voice notes to friends, right now I’m keeping quiet. Silence feels kinder to my mind.

Charlie has his follow-up appointment at the vet tomorrow. He’s taken his painkillers and antibiotics like a champ this week and seems fine, but I’ll feel better when the vet confirms he’s healing well. Today was his last day of medication, and he went back to his regular food. When I put it in front of him, he looked at me like I’d deeply insulted him. Clearly, someone’s become quite accustomed to gourmet gravy dinners.

I’m also trying to hold on to the new foods I introduced into my diet over the summer, but I can feel that slipping as my energy wanes. I knew this would happen. When burnout hits, I tend to retreat into my comfort zone, the same three microwavable meals on rotation that my little autistic heart loves. Best case, I’ve added some variety. Worst case, I’ve found new foods to enjoy when I have the energy again.

I’ve also been researching habitats for the crickets I have to buy to feed Ambrose, my tarantula baby. I’ve made my peace with the fact that he has to eat them, but I can’t stand seeing them all cramped together in those tiny plastic tubs from the pet shop. They don’t live long anyway, and Ambrose only eats a handful, so the rest will live out their short lives with me. I want them to have as much space and comfort as cricketly possible. I can’t let myself get attached; I’d be heartbroken every few months when they’re gone, not to mention I have to choose one every few days for Ambrose’s dinner. Still, I want them to be comfortable while they’re here. Their little habitat should arrive on Thursday for me to collect.

The rest of this week looks to be quiet and rainy, which suits me just fine. I have blood tests on Friday for a new medication my specialist wants me to try for my disease, so that’s one unwanted venture outdoors among the humans. But it is what it is.

I hope you’re all well and finding your own calm corners in this grey November.

May your nights be long, your tea warm, and your ghosts gentle company.

With fading light and whispered comfort,
TheMotherGoblyn